Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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