I've blown a few things in my day
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
