question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
