I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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