I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
