My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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