I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
