After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
