I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
