I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
