Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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