I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
