she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
