I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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