Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
