I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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