just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
