I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize