Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I understand Curling. That high.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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