apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
