And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
