I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
