i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
