i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There's always time for handjobs
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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