please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
