i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
