i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
