The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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