if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
