Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I want you more than these girls want KFC
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
