no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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