The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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