That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
