Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
