i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
