I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i came on her dog
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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