Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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