She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
