I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
