I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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