I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
