I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
