Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
