she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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