Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
