I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
