Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
