I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
