I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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