I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
