i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Randomize
